Have you ever laid awake at night replaying moments of your past, wondering, “If only I’d done things differently”? You’re not alone. Every person, at some point, grapples with the weight of their past decisions, longing to forgive themselves but unsure of where to start.
In the vast expanse of human emotions, self-forgiveness stands as a beacon of hope, yet often remains shielded by self doubt and feelings of regret.
Why is self-forgiveness so challenging?
- Nature of regret: The human psyche is designed to remember emotional events, especially those tinged with negativity or regret. It’s our mind’s way of teaching us lessons. Unfortunately, our minds often believe we need to hold onto the regret in order to not forget the lessons we’ve learned.
- Culture of perfection: We live in a world that idolizes perfection. This can make any perceived misstep feel like a monumental failure, making self-forgiveness feel like a true act of rebellion.
- Inner critic’s voice: That little voice that keeps whispering our shortcomings? It’s louder and more persistent than we’d like. When we try to forgive ourselves, that voice tends to throw out a handful of reasons why we shouldn’t do so.
- Deep-rooted beliefs: Many people grow up believing mistakes = unworthiness. Such beliefs can get hardened over time, making self-forgiveness harder as we grow older.
- Fear of repetition: Some fear that forgiving themselves may lead them to repeat the same mistakes, thinking that holding onto guilt acts as a deterrent.
- Social and cultural stigmas: Society can sometimes be unforgiving, and this external judgment in turn causes us to internalize self-judgment, amplifying our own sense of guilt and shame.
- Comparison with others: In the age of social media, comparing our lows with others’ highs can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and amplify our perceived mistakes.
- Guilt vs. responsibility: Some people confuse self-forgiveness with not taking responsibility for past mistakes. They believe that holding onto guilt is a way of taking responsibility for their actions.
- Unresolved trauma: Past traumas, especially those that haven’t been processed or released, can act as barriers to self-forgiveness.
- External validation: Some seek validation from others to feel worthy. If they don’t receive external forgiveness, they may find it hard—if not impossible—to offer it to themselves.
- Setting unrealistic standards: Some people set impossibly high standards for themselves; when those expectations are not met, they result in a vicious cycle of self-blame and difficulty in self-forgiveness.
The good news is this: understanding why self-forgiveness feels so elusive is the first, and sometimes most vital, step towards overcoming these barriers and really learning to forgive yourself.
Journey to Self-Forgiveness and Self-Compassion
There are a number of ways to work toward a mindset of self-forgiveness.
- Accept yourself as deeply, beautifully, imperfectly human: The first step to forgiveness is really, deeply accepting your human nature. Every person, no matter how “perfect,” has made mistakes. You don’t have to be defined by your past but by the choices you make in the present.
- Shift the narrative: Instead of asking, “Why did I do that?” ask, “What can I learn from this?” Changing the perspective can redefine a regrettable experience into a growth opportunity.
- Self-compassion meditation: A few minutes of meditation focused on sending love and kindness to yourself can be transformative. It’s a gentle reminder that you deserve compassion, just as any other being.
- Journaling: Penning down your feelings, especially the heavy ones, can provide clarity and release. Through words, you might find a way to articulate, understand, and eventually let go of the pain.
- Reparations: If possible and appropriate, consider making amends to those you’ve hurt. This doesn’t always mean facing the person you wronged; sometimes, it’s about making amends with yourself or the universe in other meaningful ways.
- Set boundaries: Ensure you’re not continually placing yourself in situations where you’re prone to actions you later regret. Learn to set healthy boundaries.
- Letter writing: Write a letter to yourself describing the events, your feelings, and why you deserve forgiveness. You don’t need to send or share it; the act itself can be cathartic.
- Visualization: Imagine a version of yourself that has already achieved self-forgiveness. How does it feel? What does this version of you look like? Visualization can help you inch closer to that reality.
But sometimes, the journey towards self-forgiveness can be daunting, especially when you’re walking that path alone. If you’re struggling to forgive yourself, just know that it’s okay to ask for help.
Therapy: A Guided Path to Self-Forgiveness
A therapist is someone who is trained to help folks who are struggling with all variety of concerns, including difficulties with self-forgiveness and self-compassion. With the guidance of a trained therapist, you’ll get access to a variety of resources, including:
- Professional insight: Therapists provide an objective perspective, helping you discern the roots of your self-criticism and guiding you towards self-compassion.
- Safe space: A therapy room is a judgment-free zone, where your feelings, regrets, and hopes are heard and validated. In this space, you can explore the challenges you face with self-forgiveness, while receiving non-judgmental acceptance and guidance.
- Structured healing: A structured therapeutic approach can help break down the overwhelming task of self-forgiveness into manageable steps.
- Empowerment: With the right tools and insights, therapy can empower you to regain control over your emotions and life narrative.
Do you resonate with these challenges of self-forgiveness? Perhaps, deep within, you’re yearning for a space to vent, understand, heal, and rewrite your narrative with self-compassion and hope.
Consider taking that bold step towards healing. If you’ve been thinking about therapy, now might be the time to schedule an intake. As a therapist in the Seattle area who helps clients work toward a mindset of self-forgiveness and self-compassion, I’ve had the honor of helping many clients work toward emotional release and a deeper sense of self-love. To learn more about working together, contact me for a free consultation to see if I’m the right fit for you. I would be honored to walk with you on this leg of your self-forgiveness journey.